A re-blog! Why? When I read this post on Cognitive dysfunction, I felt so relieved. It perfectly describes some of my struggles that come with ME and it’s companions. And no matter how hard I try, all attempts to describe this to friends, family and others, fail. But here it is, perfectly explained. I want to share this with you, with my friends and family, with all others who try to explain but don’t know how and with those who can’t begin to imagine what it’s like. I want to share my views on happiness and daily life with you, but sometimes also my daily struggles…because that’s also who I am and I’d like you to understand a little. xt
This is going to be a little write up about a meditation experience. If you’re a meditation-sceptic or don’t believe in chakra energy – keep reading!
Over the last 2 – 3 years my life has been as hectic as can be. Depression, burn-out, months of being ill. It’s a bit of a struggle called ME. I thought I was getting there, getting back on track. But the last 3 months have been roller coasters again, to say the least. Something’s still not right and ME is definitely not helping. Simply put, I have to accept that finding my balance is a long term project.
Anyway, I do yoga. In my own pace – read: half of the class I just lie on my back or in child’s pose. And during my favourite class, Meditate and Breathe, I learn to meditate too. At a very lovely yoga studio in Amsterdam, Yagoy.
During meditation practice this morning the teacher led us through a chakra-meditation. I had done this meditation before, with the same teacher. Basically what you do is stop at and focus on all 7 chakras.
I hear you…what on planet earth are chakras? Chakras are the energy centres in our body. We all have them. Even you, pessimistic lot! As mentioned before, we have a total of 7 chakras. Each chakra represents a certain aspect of our being. If you want to learn more, I advise you to check this article from mindbodygreen. For the time being I’m leaving the theory of the chakras behind and will tell you a bit more about the experience I had this morning.
There we are. Meditation cushions under our bums. Eyes closed. Starting at the first chakra. The colour is red and the chakra represents our foundation and the feeling of being grounded. No matter how hard I try to colour the area of my tailbone red – visualising helps to focus – and concentrate on the first chakra, I’m like a radio that can’t find the right frequency: Kkgggghkghhhggggggggggggggg-redredred-kkkkgggkkkkkgghggghgggh-foundation-kkkkgggkk-focus-please-kkkgghg. Sitting up straight, dividing the weight equally. No no. No such thing. I’m convinced I look like the Tower of Pisa, all my weight comes together in the right side of me. Next stop: chakra number 2. Colour: orange. Same story all over again. This continues and I notice that frustration is starting to boil. However, the frustration is kind and cuddly. It tells me to fire away some questions at my yoga teacher after class. That doesn’t mean I’m not doubting myself. Why is it so hard for me to connect?
Then we arrive at chakra number 6. The third eye. Right in the middle, where your eyebrows would (or maybe do) connect. This chakra represents our ability to focus on and see the bigger picture, it’s the energy of our intuition and imagination. The moment my attention moves to this indigo spot, it explodes. It feels like an enormous beam of light and warmth coming out of my forehead. Travelling faster than light. A high pressure water jet. Coming right out of that tiny little place. It flows like a fountain. My whole body, head to toe, heats up. In a nice way. I realise that’s exactly how a radiator must feel when it’s on full heating-speed. Equally warm, throughout my whole body. This explosion, this fountain continues when I focus on the seventh – or crown – chakra where our ability to connect to spirituality lies. The sensation of overflowing, of energy and warmth. It just doesn’t stop.
To help you visualise (and because in November I focus on drawing) I made a little sketch of the experience:
The experience beautiful, the feeling of warmth and energy so comforting! Despite the feeling of failure at the start I felt rather good after the meditation. So good even, that somehow I knew I would be able to do the bridge pose again. Which I haven’t done for at least 10 years and which physically is just a no-go at the moment. However, it does show how good I felt. Yet I knew that there was a serious disbalance. How else can you explain that chakras 1 – 5 hardly do anything whereas when we get to number six and seven all I have to do is sit back and they do their magic for me? The chat with my teacher confirmed this. The energy of all 7 chakras ideally should be the same, a balance of freely flowing energy. In my case, the foundational energy seems like it’s nowhere to be found.
Whether you believe it or not, in everyday life this blocked energy in our chakras can lead to illness, emotional distress and such. A general feeling of being unbalanced and unhappy. And truthfully, it seems to me that this could be one of the underlying factors causing the disorder in my life.
Here’s to a new challenge. Namasté!
I travel. I don’t go to India or Peru. But I travel. And so far I’ve come a long way.
Every day I come a long way. Some days the roads I travel were not made for travelling. But I travel anyway.
We need to talk about ME. About why most things I do, I do “on character”. My head tells me to cook. Eat. Get up. My body tells me I can’t. My legs tell me to give in and collapse. Sometimes my body doesn’t tell me. No cues, no notice. Instead it simply does.
But I just want to be. Young. Healthy. Living my life. Strong.
So I keep trying.
Trying when everything feels like shutting down and giving up.
Sometimes it gets the better of me. And even though I want to, there’s nothing I can do.
This is why sometimes I can’t write. Why sometimes posts won’t be regular, daily, always happy. This is about why even a trip to the supermarket sometimes takes hours, if not days, to recover. And why all the fruit and sleep in the world won’t fix it.
Nothing I can do about it. Other than giving in. Accepting. Trying to charge the battery. Dealing with and dividing my little energy.
The day I got the diagnose I found my personal manual. I found ME.
This is about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.
And from here I can continue my journey.